The Big Picture

As an artist and collector, there is always some new treasure to go up on the wall.

Being a woman of action, and as I am allergic to any form of waiting, I tend to “do” first and “think” later...this is certainly the approach I adopt when hanging art and pictures on the walls. Much to Scott’s distress, I tend to belt nails and picture hooks in willy nilly, and if they happen to be slightly off kilter or in the wrong spot, I haul them out and belt them in again somewhere else...this process can be repeated several times before a picture is A. Straight and B. In the right place in relation to the other bits and pieces around it...

In an attempt to cut down on the crooked picture syndrome (step A), Scott bought me my own spirit level. All I heard however was "spirit blah blah" and mistook it for a very large, ugly and elaborate bottle holding a very small amount of alcohol. I remember thinking it was a hopeless design, apart from being very unattractive, it would never fit in the hotel mini bar. I quickly lost interest when I couldn’t figure out how to get said alcohol out of the damn thing and at that point the “bottle” was quietly retired to a shelf in the garage.

So. My earlier system requiring multiple attempts at hanging a single picture prevailed. This system works perfectly well provided you have no intention of adding to your collection or of moving the art around. Ever. Unfortunately I am a waffly, indecisive Libran who loves to collect AND who is prone to shuffling art and what not around the house on a regular basis. I don’t like things to sit in the same place for too long - case in point - husband number one. He sat in the same place too long and had to be quietly moved along...

It has to be said that moving husbands is probably less distressing than moving art, particularly if the art being moved is quite a large piece. It’s at that point that the pin cushion like effect left by previous picture hanging attempts is revealed. Large redundant bolts or screws are uncovered and various scrapes and scuffs are exposed. It’s all very ugly and as you know, I am allergic to ugly (falls into the same category as waiting). So. I have come up with several solutions to counteract the issue.

1. Purchase more art and objects of interest – this should cover virtually all “test” holes or redundant picture hanging paraphernalia.
2. Have the freeloading children patch and repaint the walls on a monthly roster system (it’s the LEAST they can do...I gave them LIFE after all...)
3. Action both items 1 & 2 and then have Scott hang all art and pictures in the future.

My personal preference is for number 3, and after an incident recently when I literally tore a huge hole in the wall simply removing an old, now redundant picture hook, Scott tends to agree with me. If I’d have known that’s all it would take to get him to do these tedious tasks for me, I’d have taken to the lounge walls with a hammer years ago...