Burlesque Baby

I recently joined a group of six other women in an afternoon Burlesque lesson. It’s definitely something I can recommend to bring smile to your face. And if you’re not smiling, I can promise you, the poor long suffering teacher will be if you are anything like the rag tag group that we were. It will either traumatize you or empower you, or if you’re lucky and like me, a little bit of both.

Lets start with the trauma. The floor to ceiling mirrors that were joined about a meter off the floor giving the effect of cut off legs and stumpy torsos. This didn’t seem to matter so much for the other six girls, they’re all in excess of five foot nothing and so didn’t look quite so much like an extra in a Peter Jackson movie, unlike my short stumpy self…

Then there was learning to masturbate the feather boa. Quite the art form I can tell you.

Then there was learning to bump, grind, stare with sultry eyes, touch yourself AND the feather boa all the while doing the sexy walk. No wonder there are no blokes doing burlesque, aside from the fact the boa would look far less attractive draped across a hairy chest and framing the five o’clock shadow, it’s far too multi tasky for the fellas, I mean goodness, it was a push for even the most seasoned multi taskers and princesses alike…but I digress…

Then finally, just when we thought we had the routine into a semi passable state, there was the idiot suggestion that we video the whole thing for future reference and practice purposes.

Now I don’t know if you’ve ever performed to an audience, been filmed or recorded, but for those of you lucky enough to have escaped this fate, I can tell you, the MINUTE the camera is on or the curtain is up, the things you thought you had down pat - mysteriously vanish from your memory banks.

Thankfully the teacher was there to guide us so it wasn’t a complete hash HOWEVER, it did highlight a number of things:

1. that my arm looks like a leg on film and cameras should be avoided until I am twig thin again
2. hip bumping whilst sniffing ones armpit may look sexy when performed by one individual but not necessarily when performed by another
3. feather boas can take on a life of their own and misbehave badly when being filmed
4. we all have a long way to go before the routine can be anything close to polished…

On a positive note, I have a fabulous stroking technique, with a bit of work there could actually be a passable dance there, and surprisingly, there were already a few bumps and grinds in all the right places.

All in all a great fun afternoon and something I think every woman should do before her wrinkly bits take over and she no longer has the ability to bump, grind or otherwise…