Summer

New Zealand is also known as the land of the long white cloud. I believe the powers that be are going to have to rethink this – it is clearly false advertising, or it certainly has been for most of what has seemed like an endless, blistering summer. We have not seen the likes of this kind of weather in over three decades. Endless blue skies, rocketing temperature gauges and weeks on end without rain simply do not happen in NZ – they are the domain of our aussie and pacific island neighbors, and as far as I’m concerned, they are bloody well welcome to it.

I think I’ve forgotten what a cloud looks like. I’ve definitely forgotten what it feels like to be comfortable dressed in anything heavier than a tissue and bare feet. The sun, most of the clothing I own and all of my footwear have become the enemy. I gave up wearing all but the most sturdy of makeup items after catching a glimpse of myself in the office bathrooms one afternoon and seeing what can only be described as a figure not dissimilar to a Madam Toussard’s reject in the process of being remelted. Gave me the most dreadful fright I have to say…but I digress…Most footwear quickly transforms my pretty little princess feet into overstuffed and overheated sausage, underwear becomes an instrument of torture by 3pm and jewellery items becomes the means to transfer intense spots of heat to a body already struggling with temperature control.

As a princess, sweat and discomfort should be as unfamiliar to me as an eastern block language, cheap shoes and bad hair. Unfortunately that is not currently the case, and as retiring to an all day poolside existence is not an option at the present time, all I can say is roll on winter. I can hear summer loving sun worshippers the world over gasp in horror but the fact is, this royal body has had quite enough of being broiled alive and is looking forward to the day when I can complain bitterly about the freezing days and long dark nights…