Santa's Gift

The popular belief held by children the western world over, nurtured by their selectively honest parents, is that Santa visits after they have gone to sleep on Christmas Eve and drops all manner of wonderful presents down the chimney for them. I have recently discovered that what Santa ACTUALLY drops down the chimney on Christmas Eve is 5 extra kilos of trouser stretching fat for every adult in the house. I know this because Roger told me so (readers of earlier episodes will be familiar with Roger as our lying nasty bastard bathroom scales).

In an effort to shift these extra kilos, I have had to limit my daily ginger biscuit intake to zero (apparently my usual minimum of eight in one sitting is unacceptable) and I have taken to trialling new recipes written by those slightly more frugal with the calorie budget than me. Apparently “plenty of cream, butter, olive oil and sugar, not necessarily in that order” type recipes are also unacceptable unless you are only eating a thimble full at any one time.

Now any recipe downloaded from somewhere called “Healthy every bloody thing, put that chocolate bar down fatty” dot com is not going to set the culinary world on fire. Still, some are better than others. Some are actually edible. Some are not. Some call for ingredients such as borlotti beans. The can says “beans with slightly sweet nutty flavour”. Such lies. What it SHOULD have said was “beans with the consistency of earwax and tasting like arse”.

Another favourite ingredient in the recipes seems to be low fat, unsweetened yoghurt. The fact it looks like a giant bird poo in a pot should be reason enough not to include it in anything you intend to eat, but if that is not warning enough and you foolishly taste said product, you will soon find out that it is actually enamel paint watered down with food grade anti- freeze – or at least that is what it tastes like.

I could go on, but I won't - suffice to say, it seems everything delicious is banned and anything that is runny, watery and tasteless is used in abundance.

I was beginning to think there was next to nothing I could actually eat that didn't induce feelings of dire deprivation OR make me retch, or BOTH, when I discovered that Slingers (my fab made up cocktail recipe fit for a Princess)are not recorded in any of the calorie counting systems I have found thus far. I have taken this as a sign from the gods that Slingers are free of all calories and can therefore safely form the bottom of my food pyramid, whilst borlotti beans and low fat, unsweetened yoghurt can sit right at the tippy top next to dog poo, semi raw chicken and spreadable unicorn penis paste, and it will be "off with his head" for anyone who dares to suggests otherwise...