The Diagnosis

Mildy concerned by the amount of alcohol being consumed in this house, I thought I would check a book handed down to me by my grandmother titled "Modern Medical Counsellor - a practical guide to health" for the sypmtoms of alcoholism. First written and published in 1943, it offers such gems as "weight, great loss of: Hysteria" and "Trancelike condition - Hysteria" (clearly hysteria was the cause of multiple ailments in 1943), Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (sounds like the disco version of a John Denver track) and my personal favorite - War Gas Injuries. I felt sure, with such a wide range of ailments and suggested cures, it could be relied upon to be accurate and helpful in my little exercise of self diagnosis.

Turning to page 285, under the heading of "Alcoholism - What should be done" was the following insight:

1. Have a physician wash out the patients stomach, if possible. (not sure we can get the squeegee mop down the back of the throat, but if it turns out Scott is the alchy - I'm certainly willing to try...)

2. Give him all the water he will drink, but no food (Hmmmmm, good luck with that...)

3. Give him a large, warm enema - see page 363 (I must confess, I was too scared to look at page 363 in case they provided step by step photographic instructions like they have for other procedures in the book)

4. Put him in a hot bath and continue until he sweats freely. Close the treatment with a cold mitten friction (sounds like something you pay extra for at a gentlemen's club) and then keep him in bed until he recovers.

Now AFTER these helpful instructions, assuming you haven't whipped right into the enema phase without reading the next bits, they offer some hope that you won't have to do any of the above with the following:

SYMPTOMS. One can usually detect a victim of acute alcoholism by his dilated pupils (he's probably just caught wind that he's in for an enema and mitten friction) red eyes, muttering, flushed face, rapid and heavy breathing (all of which sounds like me after a brisk walk) and the odour of alcohol on his breath. Before deciding that is all that is wrong with him however, and beginning treatment for alcoholism, look for other possible causes of unconsciousness such as haemorrhage, a gunshot wound (yes, you read right, a GUNSHOT WOUND) a skull fracture, or apoplexy. When you are sure that you are dealing with acute alcoholism alone, proceed with the treatment outlined above.

Although there is no evidence of any gunshot wounds or skull fractures in our house, the symptoms described are a far cry from anything going on here, (well, maybe not the red eyes and muttering, but apart from those...) I felt it was safe to conclude we are NOT suffering from acute alcoholism. All the talk of enema's and mitten frictions have however stressed this Princess to the point that a nice soothing drink is required...see you on the deck for Slingers in five and for gods sake, don't be late, or there will be gunshot wounds and enema's all round...